Fifth day of July, i went for physio in the morning. It hurts a lot. I did a strength test and felt so weak after the whole session. It was tiring and i almost could not walk home. I keep thinking about how you would comfort me and thought about the times where you show so much concern for me. Then i went to celebrate my friend's birthday. It wasn't really a celebration just for her. They celebrated mine too. I felt like the world's ultimate asshole because all those presents and cards but all i wanted was you. I felt like a dick because my fake laughter and smiles to them, despite the fact that they put in effort to make me happy. At night, i met up with another friend. It just sucks because my then my energy was drained. I felt so bad because i was thinking about you and wondering if you remembered my birthday.
Sixth day of July, i went drinking again. Ha, pathetic, i know. I went to clarke quay and sat at a little place called chupitos. There was no one there so i ended up talking to my friend about everything. How much i miss you and everything else. I took 2 drinks, a whiskey with coke and a desperado beer. We left the place to buy more drinks and food at the 7 eleven. We sat by the river and talked about more things. I drank another can of beer. I felt a bit giddy and high. I wanted to talk to you but i stopped myself. Because i dont have the rights to talk to you anymore. Especially when i am drunk. I dont want to piss you off. I hate this, i hate myself, i hate everything i am doing to myself. I wanted to kill myself so badly to stop all the hurt and pain, all the pathetic crying.
Seventh day of July, volleyball was my day of fun and relaxation. Trying to not think of you but it is hard. People ask me how i am doing. Honestly, i am not doing so great but what can i say? I miss talking to you, i miss hanging out with you, i miss everything about you. The only thing people can tell me is that things will get better and i really doubt that. How are things suppose to get better when i can't even make myself happy.
Eighth day of July, i went to work. Felt exhausted from the assignments i was doing by myself in the end the night before. Ended up working at Gardens by the Bay, the last place we went when we were together. It sucks walking back to places we used to hang out, especially when i can remember that day so vividly. I remember the photos, the times we spent in the domes. Me clinging onto you because it was freezing cold. You taking random photos of me and using my phone to take nice photos of the flowers. I remember walking along the paths, talking about prom and thinking about you returning to Singapore. Once you return we would spend time together, maybe stay overnight at a hotel or something just to keep each other company. How much has changed since then and it hurts so bad.
Sixth day of July, i went drinking again. Ha, pathetic, i know. I went to clarke quay and sat at a little place called chupitos. There was no one there so i ended up talking to my friend about everything. How much i miss you and everything else. I took 2 drinks, a whiskey with coke and a desperado beer. We left the place to buy more drinks and food at the 7 eleven. We sat by the river and talked about more things. I drank another can of beer. I felt a bit giddy and high. I wanted to talk to you but i stopped myself. Because i dont have the rights to talk to you anymore. Especially when i am drunk. I dont want to piss you off. I hate this, i hate myself, i hate everything i am doing to myself. I wanted to kill myself so badly to stop all the hurt and pain, all the pathetic crying.
Seventh day of July, volleyball was my day of fun and relaxation. Trying to not think of you but it is hard. People ask me how i am doing. Honestly, i am not doing so great but what can i say? I miss talking to you, i miss hanging out with you, i miss everything about you. The only thing people can tell me is that things will get better and i really doubt that. How are things suppose to get better when i can't even make myself happy.
Eighth day of July, i went to work. Felt exhausted from the assignments i was doing by myself in the end the night before. Ended up working at Gardens by the Bay, the last place we went when we were together. It sucks walking back to places we used to hang out, especially when i can remember that day so vividly. I remember the photos, the times we spent in the domes. Me clinging onto you because it was freezing cold. You taking random photos of me and using my phone to take nice photos of the flowers. I remember walking along the paths, talking about prom and thinking about you returning to Singapore. Once you return we would spend time together, maybe stay overnight at a hotel or something just to keep each other company. How much has changed since then and it hurts so bad.
Ninth day of July, i was tired reading your messages. I woke up late, wondering what you were doing and how your internship was because i know you are stressed out about it. I end up doing some work with my friend before heading for dinner at night to celebrate my grandmother's birthday. My mother mentioned something about wedding coming up. She asked my sisters' boyfriends to go as well. I am the only single one there. My sisters sense my discomfort and tried to change the subject. But i know damn well that it hurts. Its not funny, it is not a joke, not to someone like me.
Tenth day of July, woke up feeling like shit, read messages on the bus, fell asleep after crying on the bus. Felt so dead during lessons and tried to stay positive. My friends knew there was something wrong but they didn't want to say anything. Came home to parents wanting talking about celebrating my birthday although they have not even said anything. I already agreed to a friend. I am sick and tired of this, them caring all of a sudden when none of them had the intentions to celebrate my birthday. I hate myself, i shouldn't have been born at all. I should have been aborted. I cried again. I don't know if i can make it through tomorrow without breaking down. I miss you so much please come back.
