What do you now?

When you have done so much from the start

Tolerating the pain, hurt and confusion from everything.

Sometimes it just feels like you are walking on eggshells, trying to please the person you love the most, someone important. You are always there for the person. You feel so lonely. Slowly you feel that your world is tearing apart. You slowly lose your mind, lose yourself. You start to doubt everything. Doubt yourself.

What's worse is that you feel like you can never be happy again. You start to panic a lot, freak out more. Start to hyperventilate, start to have panic attacks. You are unable to sleep properly at night. You mind is filled with thoughts that you can't express. Your heart hurts, you can't breathe. Everything starts to spin. You try to keep yourself sane but it is just so hard.

You stop trusting people. Build a wall around yourself. Keep everyone out because you don't want to get hurt. You find it hard to believe that someone will care that much about you. You are unsure whether you regret agreeing for this to happen or not because although there is so much hurt, you still have many happy moments. Flashbacks.

Happy moments now just feels like a knife stabbing through your heart.

You wonder why you do certain things. Why do you put in so much trust in people. Why should people deserve a chance to be trusted. You build a wall around yourself to not get hurt but you know very well that anything behind that wall is broken, shattered.

You break down. Puffy eyes, tear stained pillow.

Now what?