Third day of July i had a panic attack. My body was numb. I laid in bed, repeating the words you would tell me when i got stressed out. "Relax" i tell myself. It helped a bit. Started to think about you more. Made me feel less afraid of my own mind. Started to think about how i would wake up every few hours to check on your messages and lie to you saying i couldn't sleep because i know you had trouble sleeping. Try to stay awake and talk to you, just wanting to make sure you are okay. I fell asleep crying, woke up with swollen eyes. My friend asked me if i am okay. Honestly i don't even know. Came home to my mum blaming me for some stupid shit that doesn't even matter. I would always tell you how i feel when such things happen and it was so comforting just talking to you. Craving for your comfort. Feeling like an  idiot and being so desperate just for a guy. I wanted to slap myself. 

Fourth day of July, my sister came home with flowers. I posted a photo, thinking about how you said "I just wish it was me". How even though flowers are not given to me by some random dude, you still wanted to be the one who gave me that. All you wanted to do is to make me happy. I have never felt so grateful about having someone like you in my life because no one was truly there wanting to make me happy and make me smile every single day. And it just sucks because we are practically strangers now. Went out to drink with my friends, wanted to get drunk. Did not get drunk but drank a cup of whiskey. My head was a bit blur and hurt a lot. But i am pretty sure all those songs the band played that night were songs that you sang to me last time on the way to school. I could hear your voice and see your smile when you try to disturb me. I miss those moments so much. Wanted to vomit when i was at home. Just laid in bed feeling so dead. 

Fifth day of July, thinking about how i was sure that you are the one. For some reason, i was most sure of our relationship than any of my past. Went for my physio session and remembering that one fucking time you actually came with me. Though we weren't together already at that time, you showed more concern for my health than anyone else, even my parents. I was grateful that i still had you as a friend at that point, even if we are not together. Spent the rest of the day celebrating my friend's birthday and didn't want them to celebrate my birthday but they did. All those gifts and letters but all i could think about was you asking me to be yours last year on my birthday. All i could think about was the best gift i could have this birthday was you back. I felt like the shittest friend for thinking of such things. I didn't even want any gifts, i just want you. By the time i left them and went to meet another friend i was on the verge of crying. I felt so dead, i just wanted to see you. I felt so tired trying to get all the thoughts out of my head and just wanting things to be fine. Those fake laughter and smiles the whole day crushed me. I couldn't believe how much of an ass i was, lying to my friends, making them think i was happy when all i want to do is just dig a hole and die in there. 

At this point in time, i knew i was broken and vulnerable. I hate this feeling. I hate the fact that i don't even have the strength to put wall up.