Song of the day: Never forget you by Zara Larsson and MNEK

I used to be so happy
But without you here I feel so low
I watched you as you left but I can never seem to let you go
'Cause once upon a time you were my everything
It's clear to see that time hasn't changed a thing
It's buried deep inside me but I feel there's something you should know

It has been around 1 month plus since i posted something? Well school has been a bitch. There is rarely time to do what i want so yeah.

Ending of May till starting of June so far has been a pretty bad period of time for me. I haven't been feeling great at all. It is probably the month i would explode again.

I just cannot believe that in about 1 month i am turning 18 yet i can't even get my shit together. I don't know what i want and i don't know a lot of things. I don't know how to handle myself emotionally. I'm turning 18 yet i am still making stupid decisions. Ha, i'm really an idiot.

I exploded yesterday and i just couldn't believe i did that. After all these years, i never dare to say anything. Even if i explode, i would not even mention every single thing. I would probably say things like "I feel like giving up." but this time no, i elaborate quite a bit. It scares me though. I cannot believe that i actually told someone about my thoughts and just show my insecure side out. I freaked out after realizing what i have done and well, i don't know what would happen because so far there is no reply so yeah. Am i mentally prepared for this person to leave my life? Fuck no.

It is so scary when you expose your insecure side to someone else. As much as you trust the person, there is still that fear there. Maybe it is just me but i hate the feeling of vulnerability. When telling people almost everything about myself, i feel vulnerable. I have trust issues. There is always that thought that someone might use whatever information i told them against me. I would feel more vulnerable and weak which i hate a lot.

I never considered myself as a strong person but i try to keep my walls up as much as i can to not seem weak. It is not that i don't want others to know i am weak but i just don't want to give people the chance to attack my weak spot. I would crumble and probably die. Sometimes i want to show people that i am weak inside to make them understand how i feel when certain things happen. Of course that wouldn't happen.

If you were to tell me to tell you everything, this blog post would probably be longer than it is now and still i would have things that i am unwilling to share.

Hopefully i can get my shit together before i am 18.

Stupid decision example: Now, i have an exam at 1pm and i am blogging. GENIUS.

But still, i hope you have a nice day whoever you are. Don't let fear take over you. (Does that even make sense?)