CONTRADICTIONS

Well, never thought I would be writing another post. I guess it is a way for me to past time and look busy at the same time at work. I miss writing and I did not realise that I have an outlet to let my feelings out. I have been thinking a lot about life and came to a conclusion.

I feel that there are so many contradictions in life. For one, if you know me well, you would know that I am an over-thinker. Especially after the things I have been through in the past, I guess you could say that I build up a wall around myself. In a sense, I want to protect myself from people that might hurt me. Yet at times, I still let people in too easily because I believe they mean no harm. I like to trust people because there is no reason not to unless they did something wrong. At the same time, I am terrified of getting hurt.

Same thing about love. People always tell me that if you love that person, you would love and accept his flaws too. He would not need to change himself for you because you love him anyways. Yet at the same time, there are people who say that if the person loves you, he would change for you. So tell me, which is right? Would you change for the person you love or would you want the person to love you for all your flaws, no matter how bad they are?

Another one would be being honest. It is good to be honest to people, but when you are being honest about unpleasant things, people get angry. Yet if you lie, they get angry as well. In this case, do you still speak your mind or be a liar and make people happy? Will you become a bad person for lying or will you become an asshole for speaking your mind? What would you do?

Life is really full of contradictions. However, I believe that the contradictions in life create beliefs and that is what shaped everyone into the person they are today. Everyone should embrace who each other are.

LOVE

The real question is “What is love?”. How do you know if you love a person or not? Some people say they get butterflies whenever they see the person. Some say that they get nervous and their heart beats so fast when they are with the person. Some say that their eyes light up when they get a text from their loved one. But after some time, all these would disappear, don’t they? I mean usually, people don’t feel the same after quite some time, after the honeymoon phase.

The thing is, for me, I never felt butterflies in my stomach when I was with my boyfriend. At the start of the relationship, I probably was very nervous when he first held my hand or kissed me so I would just get stunned or feel an intense amount of anxiety for a short moment. I would say that he is the first guy that I actually have a serious relationship with. I was always too guarded to let anyone else do anything when I’m in a relationship. With him, it feels more comfortable and I am able to let myself go. Maybe it is because I knew him for quite some time before we actually got together.

10 months into the relationship, I don’t feel any of the nervousness or anything. I feel safe, comfort and happy. Feeling happy so often is a weird feeling. I never knew that I could be so happy because of one person. Sure, we do have our fights and not everything is rainbows and butterflies. At the end of the day, when we meet each other, I can’t do anything but smile. No matter how angry I am at him, which I find amazing. Maybe it is the army phase that makes me force myself to push aside all the childish fights just to spend whatever time he has for me happily.

I have friends who tell me I am lucky to have someone like him and that I should be more grateful. The truth is, it is really annoying to hear those words. Yes, I should be grateful that my boyfriend makes me the happiest person on earth. If you don’t know the amount of things we went through to come to this stage, please just keep your comments to yourself. If you don’t understand the amount of sacrifices, pain, hurt and trust being broken that is present to lead us where we are today, I suggest you stop telling people how to feel. After all, it is my relationship and I have the rights to feel a certain way if I am unhappy.

Look at me rambling on and on. Honestly, I feel that none of my posts makes any sense or flows through nicely. I only write what is on my mind. So apologies if you thought this post was going to be giving life advice or anything like that. As I mentioned, I love to write here as it is an outlet for me to let my feelings out without worrying who reads my posts. But thank you for reading my posts (I see you people lurking). You deserve happiness and a medal for reading my crap. Haha, till next time I guess.

TOXIC

When do you know when a relationship is toxic? What are the factors that make a relationship toxic? How do you know if you are being delusional or not?

Ever since army, I find myself getting more upset easily. The fact that I don’t get to see my boyfriend often is tough for a clingy person like myself. Moreover, having to spilt his free days with his family and friends means lesser time for me to be with him. Even if I got to spend a few hours with him, it usually ends up with him sleeping because he is tired. I get it, army is really tiring and I should let him rest more. I should just be grateful enough that he made the effort to meet me. But why is it when meeting up with friends till 2am 3am alright for him but meeting me at 6pm to 7pm is tiring?

Yes, sure. He might be more comfortable sleeping and resting when he meets me. I really don’t expect us to go out to a restaurant for expensive dinners. I like hanging out at home and eating at home. But if it means that we don’t even talk that much, I rather we hang out at somewhere else where he would tell me about his day. Moments like this just makes me think whether our relationship is still a relationship.

Even if we do not meet, texting each other became meaningless. Especially when most of our conversation is filled with “okay”, “mm” and “yea”. Seems like he is too tired to talk again. And yes, I should be more understanding about him being tired in army. Army is tough. I get it. But the relationship no longer feels like a relationship. It makes me overthink, whether I should talk to him. If I do, I am afraid he would be upset or get sick and tired of me being upset so much. I am afraid of him giving up on me.

And the worst thing is that I am not even supposed to feel this way. I love him so much and I should believe in the relationship. It is just getting tougher and tougher for my mind and heart. I don’t want to break down. I want to make things easier, make things work. I want to follow the plans I have for the both of us. I want to be with him. But at this point in time, it’s so hard to keep holding on.

Is it a toxic relationship? Where I feel so sad and tired all the time. Or is it just me, being overly clingy and I should learn to control.