SONG OF THE DAY: RIPTIDE

Have you ever just sit down in your room from midnight onward and just think about your life? Do you realize that when you do that, you will have more negative thoughts than usual? I don't think it is a bad thing though. No. It is not. At least it gives you a clearer picture about your current life. How is it right now and why are you so sad all of the sudden.

Now, have you ever been in this scenario before? When you wake up in the morning, you just feel like crap. Sadness just overwhelms you and you don't feel like doing anything. It is as though you were going through a breakup. Throughout the whole day, you just continue feeling the same if not worse. The strangest thing is that you don't even know what made you feel that way. It just hits you like a train. At that very moment, you feel lost. You try to talk to someone else but they don't bother. Well, why should they right? They have their own problems too. You try to listen to music to relate yourself but you are just not in the mood to do so. You start to think more and it kills you that nothing can help. It kills you not knowing what the hell is really affecting you.

What's even worse than that you might ask? Imagine these two feelings just mixed up together. You feel like crap, you start thinking about what makes you sad and keep thinking that it is the reason when it is not. It doesn't make any sense, life doesn't make any sense. Suddenly you just want to break down and cry. You can feel yourself slowly breaking apart, even though you think you can't be broken into anymore pieces. Slowly, you feel numb to everything. You just want to get over with whatever that is planned for the day and just go home. You lie on the bed but you don't want to sleep, knowing that when you wake up, you will feel the same again.

As you continue to think more, thoughts of hurting yourself might come to you. You were just frightened, you just want to make sure you still can feel things. You want to feel the pain, the agony. Maybe this is the way for you to release the pain, the frustration, the hurt that you have been through these few years. But when you try to do it, all your friends somehow care about you once more. It is good, for that moment only. The very next moment when you are stable, they flee. Like bastards. Then you are all alone again. Maybe it is the part where you are all alone that is causing you so much hurt and pain. Maybe you just need a companion. But you think to yourself, who would want someone like you? So worthless, so unreliable and so weak. You hate yourself more and you don't think you deserve love. You start to build walls around yourself and blocking everyone out. You just want to be alone this time, not because you really want it but because you don't want others to get hurt. You don't want to scare the rest.

You put on a fake smile and walk around all day attempting to joke with everyone but your soul is screaming inside your body, shouting and begging for someone to actually realize how miserable you feel. You need someone to talk to but who can you really trust? You don't even trust yourself anymore. Somehow, someone will come along and just help you, making you feel special, making you feel good about yourself. You will live happily for a few months or even up to a year maybe. In your heart, you know this would end sooner or later but you just keep hoping this person would be different. You are too fragile, you pin your hopes up high only to have it get shattered again. The whole cycle then repeats again. The longer it lasts, the more hurt you feel. The more hurt you feel, the more heartless you get. The more heartless you get, the more you lose yourself.

And that is the thing you don't want to happen, losing yourself.