Gummy Worms

It has been quite some time since I blogged and I kind of miss it. This time, I am going to talk about my 2020 experience in Singapore.

During January, my boyfriend had to stay in camp for over 20 days and I did not get the chance to see him till the end of January. It was also the first time he slept over at my house. We stayed up, talked and cuddled since we did not spend much time together at the start of 2020. In the morning, we ordered Mac Donald's breakfast before he went back home. We also met a few more times for volleyball and spend time together at my house. Other than that, we celebrated Chinese New Year and went to my friend's house to play with her adorable kitten, Miso.

In February, we celebrated my boyfriend's birthday. I cooked him a meal (or attempt to cook) as a celebration. I also bought a branded wallet for him. By March, we had a birthday celebration for my grandfather who lives in Malaysia. It was also the first time I brought my boyfriend to meet all my relatives from my mum side of the family. I am so proud of how well he handled the crowd because I could never do that. The amount of people is overwhelming.

Slowly, it became April. When Singapore started to implement circuit breaker measures. Lucky for me, I have exams till the start of May so I used the time to study at home. Meanwhile, my parents stopped working and stayed at home, bored. We still try to go out and exercise. Every morning, I will wake up and go for a morning walk/jog with my dad. In the evening, my dad, mum and I will go for an evening walk after dinner. I think this period of time made me exercise more than I ever did and I managed to lose 4kg!

After my exams, I decided to try out the Chloe Ting 2 weeks shred program. Of course, for my body, I was unable to get abs in 2 weeks. However, I did lose a bit more weight and I sweat a lot from the workouts. My tummy also became smaller a tiny bit and my outer thighs became more toned. I still head out for morning walks with my dad and sometimes evening walks if my legs do not hurt. I also started a drawing account on Instagram (@doodlesbysirlestin) to practice drawing once again during this period of time. Instead of just posting successful drawings, I posted my drawing fails as well for me to look back and improve on my drawings in the future.

What I have been considering is to find time to try free online courses on marketing or management. Maybe I would try other subjects as well, things that I am interested in. I am also looking forward to going back to work at my old workplace as they offered me a position for a year. To me, it is a great opportunity to gain more experience and still have a job after I finish my last semester in school. Moreover, I really do not want to take money from my parents and want to save more money for my future, especially if I want to be a proper adult and start a life with my boyfriend after we both graduate from university.

From this circuit breaker, I found out my tolerance level for dealing with my mum. It is quite funny especially when my dad complains to me about my mum's actions sometimes. I guess this circuit breaker is driving everyone crazy but what can we do? We are a family.

Hopefully, I am able to meet my boyfriend again in July. I have not seen him for 2 months, soon to be 3 months since we are unable to meet during phase 1. It feels kind of like a long-distance relationship despite us living in Singapore. Unlike some couples who secretly meet during circuit breaker, my boyfriend and I did not meet. Both of us have been busy trying to better ourselves. Me trying to be healthier, fit and draw better. Him, getting accepted into uni and finding a part-time job to earn money before he starts school.

I hope everyone stays safe during this period of time. Hopefully, a vaccine will be found for COVID to stop everyone from suffering. Please continue to practice good hygiene and wear masks when you head out. :)

So much for keeping things consistent. It is already June and I only made 1 post in January. And it is a sad post. Instead of promising myself to be consistent, I shall try to post as often as I can. Not really for anyone to take a look at but more for myself to look back on and reflect on me or even look back at the good times. But if you are a random stranger reading this...... Hello to you and welcome to my overly emotional blog. 

I am pathetic. A pathetic person.

Why? Because I pour out my heart for someone and never once left. I never once gave up on him, I never once try to end things. I try my hardest to work things out. I try my hardest to make him happy. I try my hardest to be the best for him.

Yet, it never seems to be good enough. I am pathetic because I allow him to make me so upset to the point where my heart hurts. To the point, every few minutes the first thought that pops into my head is death. To the point where I want to hurt myself. To the point where I don't even know what to do anymore.

I am pathetic because I poured my heart and soul out, into this relationship, hoping that we would last forever because you are the one I want to be with. We talked about being together and starting a family. We talked about travelling and saving money for the future. We talked about loving each other no matter what, and not giving up, not leaving. But you want to end it again.

In hindsight, it is probably my fault for pushing it. It is my fault for telling u how I feel, making you feel more stressed out. Making you explode. Leading up to this. Leading up to our downfall. I never meant to hurt you but it seems as though you don't realise you are hurting me even more.

I am pathetic because I allowed myself to have such negative thoughts, to just be fucked up, to close myself up. I am pathetic because I am crying over a boy. I am pathetic because I begged you to stay. But I did all these because I love you. And I still do.

2018 has been a wild ride. And through the entire year, there were many ups and downs which I will lay out in this post. Because I want to.

January was probably an okay month. I just started my relationship again and everything was pretty sweet. Probably the only issue I had was some anxiety. Pretty sure I wasn't in a good place in December and I was still recovering myself in January. I was quite closed off, not really wanting to socialise, refusing to attend any birthdays with my boyfriend. However, it was also the month where my boyfriend was my rock. When I needed him, he would come down to find me, making sure I am alright.

February is where things start to go bad. Basically, there weren't many happy events going on (if you get my drift) which really bumped out my boyfriend. We celebrated his birthday with a staycation. Getting drunk and staying up all night didn't exactly go as plan. I ended up feeling sick because of lunch and was in pain at night. Pretty sure I woke him up a few times in the middle of the night as well since I can't sleep. It is also towards the end of my internship and everything was more hectic, trying to hand over things to the new batch, helping out for events. To be really honest, I kind of missed interning at the company. But most of the people have left so it would not be the same.

March is where I found out that a girl is interested in my boyfriend. An interesting experience. Till now, I still have not met the girl and I am pretty sure my boyfriend doesn't want me to. It was also the month where my house had renovation works for the first time. It was the home improvement project where we have new toilets, new doors and new windows. I had to live with my grandma which I must say, is wild. She goes home later than me sometimes because she plays a traditional card game with her friends and usually plays till 11pm or 12am. I was really shocked when I reached at 11.45pm and she was not home.

April was my graduation. I was really proud of myself being able to graduate with a Diploma. Thinking back, I was really grateful for being posted to Temasek Polytechnic. I have learnt not only information about the industry but hands-on skills that were beneficial for me at work. It was easier for me and I am able to talk to more people and do presentations without being so afraid. I remembered bowling quite often for a period of time which was just me throwing my money quick. Nevertheless, I wouldn't change a thing. Being able to bond with different friends through bowling was amazing. It was also the month I went for my graduation trip with my best bud, Andrea. I was quite disappointed at first because I wanted to go to Australia but we ended up going to Thailand. But it was amazing going to Khao Yai. Looking at animals, enjoying beautiful sceneries and just embracing nature was the perfect vacation for me. Thanks to my sister and her boyfriend (Now husband) for accompanying us on the trip.

May was the month my boyfriend had to enter army. I remember being upset because I hadn't seen him for 3 weeks. Army was tough but we slowly got used to it. It was the time where I learnt to be less clingy and be more understanding. It was also the beginning of my boyfriend coming to my house to nap. Since my parents met him in April, they were pretty chill about him coming over. (Don't worry, they knew of his existence long ago) I also tried to mend my friendship with one of my friends. I think it was okay since I attended her birthday party. It was also the first time i posted pictures/videos of my boyfriend on my Instagram. I know its probably nothing but I was happy and excited. (LAME MILLENIAL ALERT) And I also met up with one of my primary school friends whom I haven't seen in ages.

June was the month where my boyfriend came to eat with my family for the first time. It was really nice, seeing him make the effort to talk to my parents although it might be awkward for him. I was really happy to have him by my side. It was also the month where my friend and I organized a meet up with coach. We had dinner with him at pizza hut (probably not the best idea) but it was really nice. I missed my coach a lot and he was like a second dad to me. I believe he sees potential in me and trains me hard. We never had a friendly coach and student kind of relation in school but once I graduated and came back to help, my coach and I actually discussed about my junior's way of playing and I got to coach them for a friendly match once (long ago). It was also really great to see everyone again. We all did some catching up and that is where we started to discuss about having weekly volleyball sessions for the seniors.

July was the month I went to Thailand again, with my parents, my sister and her boyfriend, my sister's friends and my cousin. It was the weirdest combination of people to go overseas together but it was surprisingly fun. (For the most part) There were many issues which I wish to forget because its negative and I don't really want to state it on the internet. It was also the month where I went to work for my intern company again. Working the midnight shift and talking to my intern friends again was really fun. I also got a job after I graduated and started in July. Currently still working here and I am glad I got this job. Although it was stressful for me for the first few weeks, I slowly got the hang of it and was able to cope. I am thankful for a wonderful and friendly boss along with kind and cheerful colleagues in my team. I also went for a comedy show for the first time and enjoyed myself tremendously.

August is where my family did our yearly donations. We bought supplies for Lee Ah Moi Old Aged Home (Thomson), a place we constantly head to. Whoever is reading this, if you want to do something nice, feel free to make some donation to this old age home. I also attended a performance my friend had at Tampines which was eye-opening, although warm and stuffy. Besides that, I also had a family gathering where the Malaysian side of my mother's family came to Singapore. It was fun, seeing them after so long. We took pictures together with so many people in it that it was crazy. This was also the month where my secondary school friends celebrated my birthday. I am glad that we can still meet up although we have different lives. That we are still great friends after so long. It's really nice to know that you have friends to rely on.

September was great. I spent my September with my favourite groups of people. It was also where we more or less start to play volleyball every week. It is nice to be able to exercise at least once a week and then bond with people you used to play with or even with new people. There wasn't anything super interesting that happened, mostly celebrating birthdays which were simple. Just having a meal and talking about life. There was an outing where we found an ice cream shop called Aqua (?). They are famous for their sea-salt ice cream, which is blue in colour and I had to try it because I have somehow made my life mission to eat blue things. It is interesting, worth the try. But wow ice creams are so expensive now adays.

October was where I invited my close friend over to hang out and talk. It was also the first time I cooked for my friend, and she enjoyed the meal. We end up hanging out at my house chatting about life and just catching up on things. Then I headed out to meet my seniors whom I have not seen for quite sometime. It feels really nice to reconnect and have fun with people you have not talk to for quite sometime. For my relationship aspect, it is probably about the same, used to my boyfriend coming to my house to nap. Besides that, I got a beautiful blue dress from cotton on. Its off the shoulder and I can actuallly wear M! Amazing. I love it and i was planning to wear it for a few events that were happening next two months.

November was the month my sister ROM-ed with her boyfriend. I got to wear my new dress and heels (freaking cheap ass $15 heels, what a steal) and witness a ROM. It isn't much actually, but it is a good experience to witness it. On the opposite side of things, my cousin passed away in this month as well. I don't get to see and talk to this cousin often but somehow I felt really drained and upset. I guess it is because I didn't really get the chance to form a close relation with him and I wouldn't get the chance to see him again. I cried upon hearing how broken my aunt sound when he was being cremated. Through this experience, I have actually bonded with my other cousins and found out great things my cousin had done before he passed.  Do not take things for granted. Check on everyone because you'll never know when will be the last time you see that person.

December was my 1 year anniversary with my boyfriend. We have been through many ups and downs and I am proud to say that we are still together and working hard for each other. It did not work out previously and we broke up but we managed to start over again and it has been a year since we restarted. I truly love him a lot and hopefully we would last. We did not meet up to celebrate this time but its okay i guess. As long as he is happy and I am happy and we are happy, everything will be fine. I found myself being more short tempered recently. My goal is to be more patient and less angsty. My major goal would be saving up money for future use. After all, I am going to end my job in July. It is important to get my shit together.

Merry merry merry Christmas, it is December! I may not be a Christian but my family does celebrate Christmas. Usually with a meet up at my grandmother's house and have a meal consisting of non-christmas-y food. Nevertheless, it is a good session for the family to gather.

I am quite excited about Christmas exchange because I have 3 secret santas and bought a few gifts here and there and I really hope they all love their gifts. I know when it comes to Christmas gifts (or just gifts in general), I tend to overspend and become a broke bitch by the end of the month. Thank god I still have a job.

Not only that, it would be my anniversary with my boyfriend. I am pretty sure I am making this sound bigger than it should be but I am proud of us. With the amount of shit we have been through this year, it's a miracle how we are still together. I was intending to do something nice for my boyfriend and I always think "What can I do that he will like and enjoy?".

So, what am I going to do you ask? I am just going to make dinner for him and then we will just cuddle in bed. Sounds boring, I know, but I think he will love it and it would be nice to just hang out. In terms of presents, I was trying to think of what to get either and I have something in mind, probably going to reveal it during our one year together.

One question I get often from my friends is "Huh? One year only meh? I thought longer?" In which I would reply yes, but we broke up for a while before getting back together. I believe that if people break up and patch back and continue counting how long they have been together, there is no point. Firstly, I think people would take the relationship for granted. People can patch and break up 10 times and say that they have been together for 10 months. Secondly, I strongly feel like if you want to start over, this is a good way. By restarting, you would get angry because whatever was build last time was gone and you will be more determined to work on the relationship.

But yeah, really excited to meet him to "celebrate" this Sunday.

I have also gotten a gift for myself for the first time. I got myself a polaroid camera in hopes that I will take more photos in 2019 for memories. I want to capture my happiest moments in film and it has been something I wanted for quite sometime. Really excited to see it today.

I also hope that I will take many photos this month and post it up. The outings and what not. Excited for it.

In other news, I have been actively working on a project. It's for one of my close friends and I must say for a first timer, I am really proud of what I could do with little knowledge. Maybe I will find a way to post it here once it is completed.

Also, I am intending to apply for University as well. I really hope I can get in and continue studying so that my parents would stop worrying. So, with that said, may 2019 be a better year than 2018. Less depressing, less negativity and less troubles.

I have officially given up on posting consistently this year so I’m most likely going to try again next year. But hey, having some posts is better than having none right?

Time flies and it is already November. I have been working at my new job for about 4 months already and I am happy to say that things have been going well. There has been mistakes made while working but it can’t be avoided. I’m not perfect anyways. I really enjoy working with my team of people. Even till now, they are still nice and friendly to me and never fail to make me feel comfortable working there. They never fail to offer a helping hand and always show gratitude whenever I help them with something (Although it is my job). I am considering doing HR in university and see how it goes. Hopefully everything can work out even though I took hospitality and tourism management.

Towards the end of the month, i have also been trying to be healthier and start execrcising more during October (Since weekly volleyball was put on hold). One of my friends then got me started on a diet called intermittent fasting where you eat within an 8 hour frame and let everything digest for the remaining 16 hours. At the same time, you have to exercise regularly. Besides that, I am also cutting down on my sugar and carbohydrates. My intention was to only run once a week to get a bit of exercise but since then, I have been running at least 3 times a week and have not drank any bubble tea (Surprisingly). In my first week, I lost 3kg and according to my friend, its the water weight (?) so I guess its good that my diet is working. I have been tracking my weight and it is slowly decreasing/maintaining. Hopefully I can see more changes after 3 months.

I also started playing volleyball again. It was really stressful at first, playing with seniors whom I have not met before (Most of them). However, it was surprisingly fun and everyone enjoyed themselves, I hope. I am looking forward to the next session where the seniors will be joining again.

Also, in other exciting news, my sister is getting married! Her boyfriend proposed to her when they went New Zealand and it was the sweetest thing ever. The background was mountains and a beautiful lake. It was the perfect setting. They will be doing the ROM first and as for the wedding, not so soon. I am really happy for her but at the same time I feel like I am losing my sister. Family is really important to me and I have no idea how I am going to feel when my sister leaves the house and continues her own family.

As for my love life, I am still with my boyfriend. I think that it is getting easier, not meeting him and not talking. It doesn’t feel like a relationship at times. I hope it is just an army phase. He asked me to be his date for social night (some army stuff) which I am quite excited because it is the first time I am coming into his army life (?) in a snese. Also, it would be our first time attending an event together. So that is something I am excited about.

That’s about it. Technically these are not thoughts on October but more of an update on my life and what I am looking forward to but it doesn’t matter. I really hope that the last 2 months will be good and that I can enter the new year with more positivity and happiness.