Gummy Worms

I have officially given up on posting consistently this year so I’m most likely going to try again next year. But hey, having some posts is better than having none right?

Time flies and it is already November. I have been working at my new job for about 4 months already and I am happy to say that things have been going well. There has been mistakes made while working but it can’t be avoided. I’m not perfect anyways. I really enjoy working with my team of people. Even till now, they are still nice and friendly to me and never fail to make me feel comfortable working there. They never fail to offer a helping hand and always show gratitude whenever I help them with something (Although it is my job). I am considering doing HR in university and see how it goes. Hopefully everything can work out even though I took hospitality and tourism management.

Towards the end of the month, i have also been trying to be healthier and start execrcising more during October (Since weekly volleyball was put on hold). One of my friends then got me started on a diet called intermittent fasting where you eat within an 8 hour frame and let everything digest for the remaining 16 hours. At the same time, you have to exercise regularly. Besides that, I am also cutting down on my sugar and carbohydrates. My intention was to only run once a week to get a bit of exercise but since then, I have been running at least 3 times a week and have not drank any bubble tea (Surprisingly). In my first week, I lost 3kg and according to my friend, its the water weight (?) so I guess its good that my diet is working. I have been tracking my weight and it is slowly decreasing/maintaining. Hopefully I can see more changes after 3 months.

I also started playing volleyball again. It was really stressful at first, playing with seniors whom I have not met before (Most of them). However, it was surprisingly fun and everyone enjoyed themselves, I hope. I am looking forward to the next session where the seniors will be joining again.

Also, in other exciting news, my sister is getting married! Her boyfriend proposed to her when they went New Zealand and it was the sweetest thing ever. The background was mountains and a beautiful lake. It was the perfect setting. They will be doing the ROM first and as for the wedding, not so soon. I am really happy for her but at the same time I feel like I am losing my sister. Family is really important to me and I have no idea how I am going to feel when my sister leaves the house and continues her own family.

As for my love life, I am still with my boyfriend. I think that it is getting easier, not meeting him and not talking. It doesn’t feel like a relationship at times. I hope it is just an army phase. He asked me to be his date for social night (some army stuff) which I am quite excited because it is the first time I am coming into his army life (?) in a snese. Also, it would be our first time attending an event together. So that is something I am excited about.

That’s about it. Technically these are not thoughts on October but more of an update on my life and what I am looking forward to but it doesn’t matter. I really hope that the last 2 months will be good and that I can enter the new year with more positivity and happiness.

Hi again, back and still inconsistent in this blog thing. Guess this is one thing I cannot commit to.

I was actually trying to post something in August but look where we are at now. Still inconsistent when it comes to posting on my blog. I don't think many people use blogs anymore but who cares.

3 more months to 2019 and so far my life has been a roller coaster ride. Well, whose isn't? I was feeling quite stressed out the past few months and I have decided to talk about it here. I don't know why but I am just going to do it.

I started a new job in July. The workplace environment is nice, everyone was really friendly to me and I was pretty excited to start work. However, within the first month, I felt overwhelmed and stressed out by the things I was required to do. I kept making mistakes and I felt so guilty for causing trouble when I was supposed to be helping. But I have been working there for close to 2 months already and things have been getting better.

There were also quite a few issues revolving around friends that I might talk about another day that was adding to my stress. At the same time, I felt quite guilty for not spending a lot of time with my friends. I have been resting at home or hanging out with my boyfriend at my house, resting.

Anyways, I have been reading my old posts and I realised how much things have changed. I was so upset during this period of time last year and look at me now, feeling happy and blessed. I patched back with my ex about 8 months ago and i would like to say that we are stronger than ever. I think i am getting used to the army thing but still, sometimes I find myself asking a lot. I wanted to be involved in his army life, hopefully with his family. Till now, i have yet to meet his family and I have yet attended anything. My friends keep asking me if I will be going for his POP. Honestly? I would love to go but I don’t think I would have the chance to. I don’t think he would ask me or anything which kind of sucks. This is probably just me overthinking but he rarely ever ask me to go for his army stuff. Even when he graduated i was not allowed to be there. I don’t know if I should be upset about it or not.

I realised quite recently that i feel different about him. It was not a bad thing. I felt happier, safer and just amazing. My heart feels so full being with him. My friend says that i am in love and i should feel lucky because not many people feel this way. Honestly, he is the best thing i could ever ask for. He is my home.The way he comforted me and made me feel safe was all I needed for these few months. Just being with him makes me so happy and feel so blessed. I am honestly thankful that we are where we are at now today even though he is currently in army.

He is not the kind that shows affection that much but that day he did the cutest thing. (Okay, maybe its just me.) He fell asleep on my bed at my house the other day and I didn't have much space left on the bed so I sort of curled up in the corner. He woke up, saw me in the corner and wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his embrace(?). It was the cutest thing ever and I kept smiling. Even though we have been spending time at my house, usually with him sleeping, he does little things that make me smile. Whenever he sleeps, he hugs me from the back and snuggles which is so freaking adorable. I feel really happy right now and I honestly never thought I would get to feel this way.

I am thankful that my friends are happy for me and sending me messages telling me how happy they are for me. For now, I can't wait to go overseas with him.

2018 has been better for me personally and I have nothing else to say except that I am really glad.

I know it is already June and this blog thing is really inconsistent but I wish to continue it again. [I always say this but it never ever happens.]

Throughout my past 19 years, i have never dream of anything normal. The most recent dream i had was that i was dating a black dude. 

Fifth day of July, i went for physio in the morning. It hurts a lot. I did a strength test and felt so weak after the whole session. It was tiring and i almost could not walk home. I keep thinking about how you would comfort me and thought about the times where you show so much concern for me. Then i went to celebrate my friend's birthday. It wasn't really a celebration just for her. They celebrated mine too. I felt like the world's ultimate asshole because all those presents and cards but all i wanted was you. I felt like a dick because my fake laughter and smiles to them, despite the fact that they put in effort to make me happy. At night, i met up with another friend. It just sucks because my then my energy was drained. I felt so bad because i was thinking about you and wondering if you remembered my birthday.

Sixth day of July, i went drinking again. Ha, pathetic, i know. I went to clarke quay and sat at a little place called chupitos. There was no one there so i ended up talking to my friend about everything. How much i miss you and everything else. I took 2 drinks, a whiskey with coke and a desperado beer. We left the place to buy more drinks and food at the 7 eleven. We sat by the river and talked about more things. I drank another can of beer. I felt a bit giddy and high. I wanted to talk to you but i stopped myself. Because i dont have the rights to talk to you anymore. Especially when i am drunk. I dont want to piss you off. I hate this, i hate myself, i hate everything i am doing to myself. I wanted to kill myself so badly to stop all the hurt and pain, all the pathetic crying.

Seventh day of July, volleyball was my day of fun and relaxation. Trying to not think of you but it is hard. People ask me how i am doing. Honestly, i am not doing so great but what can i say? I miss talking to you, i miss hanging out with you, i miss everything about you. The only thing people can tell me is that things will get better and i really doubt that. How are things suppose to get better when i can't even make myself happy.

Eighth day of July, i went to work. Felt exhausted from the assignments i was doing by myself in the end the night before. Ended up working at Gardens by the Bay, the last place we went when we were together. It sucks walking back to places we used to hang out, especially when i can remember that day so vividly. I remember the photos, the times we spent in the domes. Me clinging onto you because it was freezing cold. You taking random photos of me and using my phone to take nice photos of the flowers. I remember walking along the paths, talking about prom and thinking about you returning to Singapore. Once you return we would spend time together, maybe stay overnight at a hotel or something just to keep each other company. How much has changed since then and it hurts so bad.

First day of July and I am already crying like a pathetic piece of shit. Missing you a lot, missing us a lot. Remembered telling you that if you want something, do something about it. And look at us now. Not even talking. Not even friends. Thought about the past, how i am willing to go through hell with you and not even have you spend a single cent on me. Yet now i don't even know why all those efforts seem to go to waste. I blame myself for telling you to do something because you ended up shutting yourself away from the world, and i worry.