Gummy Worms

When it all ended, i started to cry. I started to give up on all hope of being happy again. All those sleepless nights, puffy eyes and thoughts of getting you back.

Fast forward to a month later, we are talking again. Trying to fix something broken. Try to make things okay again. But somethings don't ever get fixed. Sometimes, they are meant to be broken and left there forever.

Once again, the same thing happened. The crying, the sleepless night, but this time suicidal thoughts come as well. The times you go out are the worst times, putting a mask on your face. Making sure that no one asks those three words "Are you okay?" Reach home, lie on your bed, just wishing all these pain would end.

We stop talking, everything gets harder and harder. Memories of the times we spent together just go over and over your head. Trying to stop yourself from looking your old photos, trying to stop yourself from reading the old messages.

Everyone says it gets better. Does it though?

You listen to everyone talk, listen to their opinions. You stop listening after everyone asks you to move on. Asks you to give up. You just feel like everyone doesn't understands you.

Then one day, you get a wake up call.

Some random person just talks to you and the conversation slowly lead to the topic. You listen to what the person say and suddenly makes sense. You are determined to let go and just end it once and for all.

But that doesn't last very long. Your determination is gone fast. You start to miss and think and all those things again.

As time goes by, you slowly accept the fact, slowly let go. You know in your heart that person will hold a special place in your heart. You will still care and love the person. But it is time to slowly let go.

I start to learn about letting go.

I start to learn about thinking less.

I start to learn about loving myself.

Most importantly, i start to learn about moving on.

Physiotherapy:
the treatment of disease, injury or deformity by physical methods such as massage, heat treatment, and exercise rather than by drugs or surgery.

My knee has been hurting for a really long time and i never really went to actually find out the reason why it is hurting so much. About 8 months ago, i went back for training with my friends. I stepped on a ball and fell knee down. Then i continued playing and jumping.

Obviously there would be something wrong with my knee. This year, i went to check out my knee at the polyclinic. I did an X-ray scan and there weren't any fractures or anything so i was referred to a hospital to do an MRI scan.

MRI Scan:
Known as Magnetic Resonance Imaging, uses a large magnet and radio waves to look at organs and structures inside your body.

Basically, she told me that there may be some issues with my muscle tissues and parts that cannot be seen using X-ray. I consult with the doctor at the hospital and he suggested some stretching exercises for a start. It did not improve my knee condition that much. The second time i went back he suggested going for physiotherapy as the MRI scan would cost about $400+. Instead of heading for the MRI scan straight, i decided to go for physiotherapy.

My friend offered to follow me on my first physiotherapy session but she had work the last minute and couldn't make it. It wasn't that bad i guess. I talked to my physiotherapist and she asked me to do some simple stretching exercises. It hurt a lot surprisingly but it was not that bad.

Another of my friend decided to come with me for my second session but she sprained her ankle and couldn't come so i was alone again. This time we did more exercises with really really hurt my leg a lot to the point where i can't walk properly. When i reach home i could not move at all.

Besides exercises, i receive a ultrasound treatment. Basically they put cooling gel on my knee and use an instrument to run through the injured area. It becomes warm slowly and they continue going around the injured area. Supposedly, they are making use of ultrasound to help in healing my knee.

I never liked visiting the doctor and having to go through physiotherapy. I hate the feeling. You go through a lot of pain and you feel so useless. You have to stop doing things you love and it just really sucks. I think the worse part is not knowing what is the actual reason why it is hurting so bad.

Going to physiotherapy is not really going with a lot of motivation that everything will be better soon. The last time i went there, i saw so many people in pain, struggling to finish their exercises. It just scares you more.

I had a blog last time but there were some issues with it and i couldn't login to write posts anymore so i have decided to create this new account to post. There are still many stories in the past that i wrote which i feel are quite interesting and i guess i am going to post them here. (Edited of course)

So this is a story about a time where i got an unpleasant phone call.

It happened about 3 years ago if i am not wrong. I encountered the most annoying call from my sister's godmother whom i have not met before at all. At that point in time i didn't even knew she existed until that day.

This lady had a baby before she was married but unfortunately for her, she had a lot of miscarriages after that and wanted my sister to be her goddaughter. My mum agreed for some reason (I have no idea why, she is just crazy). Why would i say that? This lady is probably the meanest godmother ever. She never once celebrated my sister's birthday and in our family that is practically what majority of the godmothers do. Also, with red packets, they tend to give a huge amount but this lady only gave $4. As compared to my second sister's godmother who gave her $60 or even $100 for her birthday, you can see how this lady doesn't qualify to be a good godmother. From what i have heard, no one have a good experience talking to her and 3 years ago it was my turn.

The lady will be known as A.

A: Hello?
Me: Hello?
A: 你妈妈在吗？(your mum at home?)
Me: 在，等一下 (she is in, hold on)

So i went into my parent's room and pass the phone to my mother.

Mum: Hello? Hello? Hello?

My mum literally threw the phone at my dad who threw it back to me and asked me to lie to her by saying they are not home.

Me: My mum is working.
A: Huh? Where got people work on Saturdays?
Me: She works everyday.

News flash woman, some people do actually work on the weekends.

A: What time does she end?
Me: I don't know
A: You are her daughter leh! How can you not know?
Me: *annoyed* She work at different times and end at different times so i am not sure.
A: 你是大的还是第二的？(are you the eldest or the second one?)
Me: 最小的(youngest one)
A: Oh, you having your o level this year right? Where do you want to go?
Me: Poly
A: Which one? Ngee Ann or SP?
Me: Ngee Ann
A: Why you want to go poly? So lousy

I was pretty annoyed by the stereotypical minds that polytechnics suck.

A: What course you wan to take?
Me: : International business
A: Oh my second son is in Ngee Ann poly leh, he is studying blah blah blah. He blah blah blah
Me: Oh i see.

Did you not just tell me poly is lousy? And then you decide to boast about your son who is in poly right now? Wow lady, double standard much?

A: So you take pure or double science?
Me: Erm, combined?
A: Aiyo, why never take pure? Eh wait your school take only the higher percentage people right? You must be in the lower percentage one.
Me: ._. Erm ya.
A: So how? Your results so bad your mum never scold you huh?
Me: Erm, no
A: Your resuts like that then your sister score so well. Your mum never compare your results with your sister one huh?
Me: No. I already get this kind of results also cannot change. Might as well work hard now

BITCH YOU BETTER SHUT THE FUCK UP COS I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE. YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS TO SAY MY RESULTS ARE LOUSY. I mean i think they weren't very good but i was just really annoyed at this lady.

A: Aiya, so you are like my son la? Aim for pass only la?
Me: *super annoyed* No i cant change my results i am going to work hard i am not only aiming for a pass.

DAMN IT WOMAN, DIDN'T U HEAR A SINGLE WORD I JUST SAID?

A: 大的怎样？在做工？(how is the elder one? Working?)
Me: Ya
A: Does she give you allowance?
Me: No, she work and give mum the money
A: Oh, she study in uni for three years right? Why never continue?
Me: Erm, cos she not interested anymore?
A: Aiya you youngsters all the same. Everytime take a course then dont want to study then waste time.
Me: ._. *pissed*

Hello? Did you just insulted my sister? Who is your god damn goddaughter? What is this? Where am i? Am i on the right planet?

A: Then the second one leh?
Me: Study international business
A: ORH So you want to follow your sister right?
Me: Erm no, the course is interesting to me.
A: Aiya all the youngster say the same thing. Want follow then say la dont need to hide.
Me: Haha *whatever*
A: Oh ya so later your mother come home ask her call me hor? Dont wait until i go mandai then call! Hahaha
Me: Haha okay bye

The end.

It was a torturous 1 hour long phone call with her boasting about her son and being negative about literally everything else. For people who are not sure what Mandai means, it is actually where dead people are buried so basically it is like a cemetery.

People please learn, words hurt people and its not something everyone realises.

More storytimes to come!

Hey you.

He was a very giving person.

He gave me happiness every single day. Ensuring that i smile every single moment. He would always try his best to make me happy. Even it means coming down in the middle of the night to cheer me up at my lowest point.

He gave me a lot of love. Yes, love. All those hugs although he hates it. He knows that i love hugging and i need it. He gives me hugs to make me feel secure, a sign telling me that he is here for me and we will go through all the shit together in life. All those kisses he gave. Reassuring me that he is here for me. Holding my hand. That warm feeling, especially when our fingers intertwined. Besides love, he gave me reassurance.

He gave me hope. Hope that i can actually live my life the way i wanted, happy. I never thought that i can be that happy my entire life. He changed that. I was really happy, smiling and actually feeling more positive as usual.

He gave me the ability to trust. To finally be able to trust a guy who won't leave me for other girls. He knows my past, my bad experiences. He knows how insecure i get. Slowly i learnt to trust him, not overthink about where he has been, who has he been out with.

He gave me his heart. As cheesy as that sounds, he gave me his heart. I gave him mine too, it was like an exchange. That's what happens when two people are in love.

He gave me a very hard time. He is hard to understand, and i spent so much time trying to understand him, to make him happy. His moods, his actions, i get tired a lot trying to deal with everything. Not that he doesn't deal with me too. But he does give me a hard time.

He gave me a lot of sadness too. All those sleepless nights, crying, tear-stained pillows. All those nights where the insecurity kicks in, where those panic attacks comes knocking at my door. All those thoughts "Does he still love me?".

He gave me a lot of worries. He is experienced in relationships. I am not. How many girls has he been with? Who meant the most to him? Am i even good enough for him? I am not experienced enough to be with him. Those worries just pile up every single day.

He gave me a lot, the good and the bad. But one day, it all has to end. I guess that day is today, where he gave one last thing.

He gave up on me.

It's not always easy being the youngest in the family. Many people always feel that the youngest is the most pampered, the most loved in the family.