Gummy Worms

Throughout my past 19 years, i have never dream of anything normal. The most recent dream i had was that i was dating a black dude. 

Fifth day of July, i went for physio in the morning. It hurts a lot. I did a strength test and felt so weak after the whole session. It was tiring and i almost could not walk home. I keep thinking about how you would comfort me and thought about the times where you show so much concern for me. Then i went to celebrate my friend's birthday. It wasn't really a celebration just for her. They celebrated mine too. I felt like the world's ultimate asshole because all those presents and cards but all i wanted was you. I felt like a dick because my fake laughter and smiles to them, despite the fact that they put in effort to make me happy. At night, i met up with another friend. It just sucks because my then my energy was drained. I felt so bad because i was thinking about you and wondering if you remembered my birthday.

Sixth day of July, i went drinking again. Ha, pathetic, i know. I went to clarke quay and sat at a little place called chupitos. There was no one there so i ended up talking to my friend about everything. How much i miss you and everything else. I took 2 drinks, a whiskey with coke and a desperado beer. We left the place to buy more drinks and food at the 7 eleven. We sat by the river and talked about more things. I drank another can of beer. I felt a bit giddy and high. I wanted to talk to you but i stopped myself. Because i dont have the rights to talk to you anymore. Especially when i am drunk. I dont want to piss you off. I hate this, i hate myself, i hate everything i am doing to myself. I wanted to kill myself so badly to stop all the hurt and pain, all the pathetic crying.

Seventh day of July, volleyball was my day of fun and relaxation. Trying to not think of you but it is hard. People ask me how i am doing. Honestly, i am not doing so great but what can i say? I miss talking to you, i miss hanging out with you, i miss everything about you. The only thing people can tell me is that things will get better and i really doubt that. How are things suppose to get better when i can't even make myself happy.

Eighth day of July, i went to work. Felt exhausted from the assignments i was doing by myself in the end the night before. Ended up working at Gardens by the Bay, the last place we went when we were together. It sucks walking back to places we used to hang out, especially when i can remember that day so vividly. I remember the photos, the times we spent in the domes. Me clinging onto you because it was freezing cold. You taking random photos of me and using my phone to take nice photos of the flowers. I remember walking along the paths, talking about prom and thinking about you returning to Singapore. Once you return we would spend time together, maybe stay overnight at a hotel or something just to keep each other company. How much has changed since then and it hurts so bad.

First day of July and I am already crying like a pathetic piece of shit. Missing you a lot, missing us a lot. Remembered telling you that if you want something, do something about it. And look at us now. Not even talking. Not even friends. Thought about the past, how i am willing to go through hell with you and not even have you spend a single cent on me. Yet now i don't even know why all those efforts seem to go to waste. I blame myself for telling you to do something because you ended up shutting yourself away from the world, and i worry. 

When it all ended, i started to cry. I started to give up on all hope of being happy again. All those sleepless nights, puffy eyes and thoughts of getting you back.

Fast forward to a month later, we are talking again. Trying to fix something broken. Try to make things okay again. But somethings don't ever get fixed. Sometimes, they are meant to be broken and left there forever.

Once again, the same thing happened. The crying, the sleepless night, but this time suicidal thoughts come as well. The times you go out are the worst times, putting a mask on your face. Making sure that no one asks those three words "Are you okay?" Reach home, lie on your bed, just wishing all these pain would end.

We stop talking, everything gets harder and harder. Memories of the times we spent together just go over and over your head. Trying to stop yourself from looking your old photos, trying to stop yourself from reading the old messages.

Everyone says it gets better. Does it though?

You listen to everyone talk, listen to their opinions. You stop listening after everyone asks you to move on. Asks you to give up. You just feel like everyone doesn't understands you.

Then one day, you get a wake up call.

Some random person just talks to you and the conversation slowly lead to the topic. You listen to what the person say and suddenly makes sense. You are determined to let go and just end it once and for all.

But that doesn't last very long. Your determination is gone fast. You start to miss and think and all those things again.

As time goes by, you slowly accept the fact, slowly let go. You know in your heart that person will hold a special place in your heart. You will still care and love the person. But it is time to slowly let go.

I start to learn about letting go.

I start to learn about thinking less.

I start to learn about loving myself.

Most importantly, i start to learn about moving on.

Physiotherapy:
the treatment of disease, injury or deformity by physical methods such as massage, heat treatment, and exercise rather than by drugs or surgery.

My knee has been hurting for a really long time and i never really went to actually find out the reason why it is hurting so much. About 8 months ago, i went back for training with my friends. I stepped on a ball and fell knee down. Then i continued playing and jumping.

Obviously there would be something wrong with my knee. This year, i went to check out my knee at the polyclinic. I did an X-ray scan and there weren't any fractures or anything so i was referred to a hospital to do an MRI scan.

MRI Scan:
Known as Magnetic Resonance Imaging, uses a large magnet and radio waves to look at organs and structures inside your body.

Basically, she told me that there may be some issues with my muscle tissues and parts that cannot be seen using X-ray. I consult with the doctor at the hospital and he suggested some stretching exercises for a start. It did not improve my knee condition that much. The second time i went back he suggested going for physiotherapy as the MRI scan would cost about $400+. Instead of heading for the MRI scan straight, i decided to go for physiotherapy.

My friend offered to follow me on my first physiotherapy session but she had work the last minute and couldn't make it. It wasn't that bad i guess. I talked to my physiotherapist and she asked me to do some simple stretching exercises. It hurt a lot surprisingly but it was not that bad.

Another of my friend decided to come with me for my second session but she sprained her ankle and couldn't come so i was alone again. This time we did more exercises with really really hurt my leg a lot to the point where i can't walk properly. When i reach home i could not move at all.

Besides exercises, i receive a ultrasound treatment. Basically they put cooling gel on my knee and use an instrument to run through the injured area. It becomes warm slowly and they continue going around the injured area. Supposedly, they are making use of ultrasound to help in healing my knee.

I never liked visiting the doctor and having to go through physiotherapy. I hate the feeling. You go through a lot of pain and you feel so useless. You have to stop doing things you love and it just really sucks. I think the worse part is not knowing what is the actual reason why it is hurting so bad.

Going to physiotherapy is not really going with a lot of motivation that everything will be better soon. The last time i went there, i saw so many people in pain, struggling to finish their exercises. It just scares you more.

I had a blog last time but there were some issues with it and i couldn't login to write posts anymore so i have decided to create this new account to post. There are still many stories in the past that i wrote which i feel are quite interesting and i guess i am going to post them here. (Edited of course)

So this is a story about a time where i got an unpleasant phone call.

It happened about 3 years ago if i am not wrong. I encountered the most annoying call from my sister's godmother whom i have not met before at all. At that point in time i didn't even knew she existed until that day.

This lady had a baby before she was married but unfortunately for her, she had a lot of miscarriages after that and wanted my sister to be her goddaughter. My mum agreed for some reason (I have no idea why, she is just crazy). Why would i say that? This lady is probably the meanest godmother ever. She never once celebrated my sister's birthday and in our family that is practically what majority of the godmothers do. Also, with red packets, they tend to give a huge amount but this lady only gave $4. As compared to my second sister's godmother who gave her $60 or even $100 for her birthday, you can see how this lady doesn't qualify to be a good godmother. From what i have heard, no one have a good experience talking to her and 3 years ago it was my turn.

The lady will be known as A.

A: Hello?
Me: Hello?
A: 你妈妈在吗？(your mum at home?)
Me: 在，等一下 (she is in, hold on)

So i went into my parent's room and pass the phone to my mother.

Mum: Hello? Hello? Hello?

My mum literally threw the phone at my dad who threw it back to me and asked me to lie to her by saying they are not home.

Me: My mum is working.
A: Huh? Where got people work on Saturdays?
Me: She works everyday.

News flash woman, some people do actually work on the weekends.

A: What time does she end?
Me: I don't know
A: You are her daughter leh! How can you not know?
Me: *annoyed* She work at different times and end at different times so i am not sure.
A: 你是大的还是第二的？(are you the eldest or the second one?)
Me: 最小的(youngest one)
A: Oh, you having your o level this year right? Where do you want to go?
Me: Poly
A: Which one? Ngee Ann or SP?
Me: Ngee Ann
A: Why you want to go poly? So lousy

I was pretty annoyed by the stereotypical minds that polytechnics suck.

A: What course you wan to take?
Me: : International business
A: Oh my second son is in Ngee Ann poly leh, he is studying blah blah blah. He blah blah blah
Me: Oh i see.

Did you not just tell me poly is lousy? And then you decide to boast about your son who is in poly right now? Wow lady, double standard much?

A: So you take pure or double science?
Me: Erm, combined?
A: Aiyo, why never take pure? Eh wait your school take only the higher percentage people right? You must be in the lower percentage one.
Me: ._. Erm ya.
A: So how? Your results so bad your mum never scold you huh?
Me: Erm, no
A: Your resuts like that then your sister score so well. Your mum never compare your results with your sister one huh?
Me: No. I already get this kind of results also cannot change. Might as well work hard now

BITCH YOU BETTER SHUT THE FUCK UP COS I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE. YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS TO SAY MY RESULTS ARE LOUSY. I mean i think they weren't very good but i was just really annoyed at this lady.

A: Aiya, so you are like my son la? Aim for pass only la?
Me: *super annoyed* No i cant change my results i am going to work hard i am not only aiming for a pass.

DAMN IT WOMAN, DIDN'T U HEAR A SINGLE WORD I JUST SAID?

A: 大的怎样？在做工？(how is the elder one? Working?)
Me: Ya
A: Does she give you allowance?
Me: No, she work and give mum the money
A: Oh, she study in uni for three years right? Why never continue?
Me: Erm, cos she not interested anymore?
A: Aiya you youngsters all the same. Everytime take a course then dont want to study then waste time.
Me: ._. *pissed*

Hello? Did you just insulted my sister? Who is your god damn goddaughter? What is this? Where am i? Am i on the right planet?

A: Then the second one leh?
Me: Study international business
A: ORH So you want to follow your sister right?
Me: Erm no, the course is interesting to me.
A: Aiya all the youngster say the same thing. Want follow then say la dont need to hide.
Me: Haha *whatever*
A: Oh ya so later your mother come home ask her call me hor? Dont wait until i go mandai then call! Hahaha
Me: Haha okay bye

The end.

It was a torturous 1 hour long phone call with her boasting about her son and being negative about literally everything else. For people who are not sure what Mandai means, it is actually where dead people are buried so basically it is like a cemetery.

People please learn, words hurt people and its not something everyone realises.

More storytimes to come!

Hey you.

He was a very giving person.

He gave me happiness every single day. Ensuring that i smile every single moment. He would always try his best to make me happy. Even it means coming down in the middle of the night to cheer me up at my lowest point.

He gave me a lot of love. Yes, love. All those hugs although he hates it. He knows that i love hugging and i need it. He gives me hugs to make me feel secure, a sign telling me that he is here for me and we will go through all the shit together in life. All those kisses he gave. Reassuring me that he is here for me. Holding my hand. That warm feeling, especially when our fingers intertwined. Besides love, he gave me reassurance.

He gave me hope. Hope that i can actually live my life the way i wanted, happy. I never thought that i can be that happy my entire life. He changed that. I was really happy, smiling and actually feeling more positive as usual.

He gave me the ability to trust. To finally be able to trust a guy who won't leave me for other girls. He knows my past, my bad experiences. He knows how insecure i get. Slowly i learnt to trust him, not overthink about where he has been, who has he been out with.

He gave me his heart. As cheesy as that sounds, he gave me his heart. I gave him mine too, it was like an exchange. That's what happens when two people are in love.

He gave me a very hard time. He is hard to understand, and i spent so much time trying to understand him, to make him happy. His moods, his actions, i get tired a lot trying to deal with everything. Not that he doesn't deal with me too. But he does give me a hard time.

He gave me a lot of sadness too. All those sleepless nights, crying, tear-stained pillows. All those nights where the insecurity kicks in, where those panic attacks comes knocking at my door. All those thoughts "Does he still love me?".

He gave me a lot of worries. He is experienced in relationships. I am not. How many girls has he been with? Who meant the most to him? Am i even good enough for him? I am not experienced enough to be with him. Those worries just pile up every single day.

He gave me a lot, the good and the bad. But one day, it all has to end. I guess that day is today, where he gave one last thing.

He gave up on me.

It's not always easy being the youngest in the family. Many people always feel that the youngest is the most pampered, the most loved in the family.

New story! This incident happened on the 23th Feb and i started writing on the 24th Feb but i got lazy so please understand that when i say yesterday i meant 23th Feb. :D

I am back with a new post.

What do you now?

When you have done so much from the start

Tolerating the pain, hurt and confusion from everything.

Sometimes it just feels like you are walking on eggshells, trying to please the person you love the most, someone important. You are always there for the person. You feel so lonely. Slowly you feel that your world is tearing apart. You slowly lose your mind, lose yourself. You start to doubt everything. Doubt yourself.

What's worse is that you feel like you can never be happy again. You start to panic a lot, freak out more. Start to hyperventilate, start to have panic attacks. You are unable to sleep properly at night. You mind is filled with thoughts that you can't express. Your heart hurts, you can't breathe. Everything starts to spin. You try to keep yourself sane but it is just so hard.

You stop trusting people. Build a wall around yourself. Keep everyone out because you don't want to get hurt. You find it hard to believe that someone will care that much about you. You are unsure whether you regret agreeing for this to happen or not because although there is so much hurt, you still have many happy moments. Flashbacks.

Happy moments now just feels like a knife stabbing through your heart.

You wonder why you do certain things. Why do you put in so much trust in people. Why should people deserve a chance to be trusted. You build a wall around yourself to not get hurt but you know very well that anything behind that wall is broken, shattered.

You break down. Puffy eyes, tear stained pillow.

Now what?

Are there just times where you feel cheated? 

This incident happened on the first day of new year.

So, I had just ended a relationship about a month ago and i have told my parents about it. My father had no comments because he is quiet like that. My mother just asked me why and i just gave her a simple reason.

Fast forward to new year. By this time, my mother is already very aware of me being single. Yet she still does not hesitate to try and make it a joke. For once i thought she would take me seriously. But when she asked me about my "boyfriend", she pretends to realize that i am single and then she starts laughing saying "Oh you two broke up already." in public. My own mother thinks that my breakup is funny and is laughing loudly in public. I didn't take it to heart at first, pretending that it was nothing. What she doesn't know is how much pain i went through when it happened. She didn't know everything and she thinks she knows best.

At my grandmother's house, my second sister brought her french boyfriend to visit. This was not the first time they visited. I think the first time was Christmas. Of all days, she had to mention to all my relatives about me having a boyfriend, when she CLEARLY KNOWS that i DO NOT have one. It lead to them asking why i didn't bring him along to visit and why i didn't show them photos.

I emphasized that i do not have a boyfriend and that i only have friends. My grandmother kept asking me why i didn't bring him over to visit like my second sister. I laugh it off and said that i only have male friends, not boyfriend. My aunt asked my mother "Have you met this boy?" And guess fucking what? She replied that she went to Jurong just to see the boy.

At this moment i'm just like "EXCUSE YOU. You were the one who wanted to go Jurong and then he was happen to be working there and you wanted to meet him. At that point in time, he wasn't even my boyfriend. And he isn't my boyfriend now. Stop lying to my relatives god damn it." But obviously, i have to shut the fuck up and not say anything because all she will do is give me shit.

The rest of the night consist of me hiding and being questioned where my boyfriend is although i have mentioned so many fucking times that i do not have a boyfriend. It was the most frustrating thing ever. My mother always stir shit up in my life. Her attitude is getting worse and her thinking is just "I think this is the best for me therefore i will do it for myself. I do not care that it will affect other people." Being the youngest in the family, i always get blamed for doing things that weren't even done by me. When i say "Can you make sure you get the right person before you scold them?" I always get ignored. It's like i don't matter.

Of course, why would i matter? Since young, i have always been told that i was supposed to be aborted. Every single day i would wonder what would happen if i wasn't even here. How much pain i do not need to endure. How my mother always say that if i was aborted the family would be rich. How all they wanted was a boy and i, a female, came out instead. All these hurt a lot but she will never know. She always think that she treats me very well and i shouldn't complain about anything. Yet, she doesn't understand the pain i gone through. The words that she said that hurt me and the things i went through like a breakup. She never tries to understand and even communicate with me. Every talk ends up being me being in the wrong.

January doesn't seem like a good month for me i suppose. Haha, oh well. What to do right?

I feel that there are so many things happening that causes me to not post anything at all. A quick update about the whole entire month of January. 

I am aware that the last post i made was on July, the end of July. It has been a long time since i posted things here and during the period of time i have not posted, i was dealing with many "issues" (Let's just call it that.)